Peter Robinson vs. Sufjan Stevens

America’s most prolific songwriter worries about his demon offspring

Hello, Sufjan. Now you’re not really up for the whole Vs business because you’re a serious musician, Is that right?

“(Guffaws) Yes, I think so, is that alright?”

But we’re getting on alright so far, aren’t we? We’re not best friends, but we’re doing OK.

“We haven’t exchanged numbers yet, but it’s all fine, That is correct.”

So do you fancy doing a bit of a me versus you?

“How do we do that?”

Let’s just have a little chat.

“Right… Alright then. Yes.”

When are you going to retire?

“I think the best time to retire is perhaps when you’re dyeing your hair – or when you’re in your 60s and you still have sideburns. Or when your children are releasing multi-platinum records. When any one of those things happen, you should retire.”

Should sideburn fan Johnny Cash have retired before popping his clogs?

“He is the exception to every rule! You know that. You know he’s the exception.”

How are you doing for money, Sufjan?

“I have about five pounds and 30 pence right now. I think that will get me by for the next few days.”

But what about the long term? Do you have a pension sorted out?

“No! No I’m afraid I don’t. I live day-to-day right now.”

Think of the future. Put a little bit aside each month, Sufjan. You need a nest egg. No-one knows just what the future holds.

“Those are very wise words. Are you an accountant?”

No. What will your 32nd album sound like?

“It will be screamo. No, I’m kidding. By then I will be in my 60s – I’ll have sideburns and my son will have multi-platinum hits. I’ll be doing a duet with my son. It will be a song about horseback riding and it will be… really boring.”

Is having a son part of the great Sufjan Stevens masterplan?

“Yes, I will be fruitful and multiply. Do you have any children? Creation is the most creative act, I think. But it’s terrifying!”

What are you hoping to pass on to your son?

“Bad genes! Ha! Big teeth. I worry that if I had children I would be too overbearing in terms of motivating them to be musical. I do worry. How much should you pressure them into doing something?”

More importantly, what If your kid wanted to be an estate agent?

“Oh man. (Moans as if future son is guaranteed serial killer) You just have to give them your blessing, and then quietly
disown them. Oh dear. I have no idea. I also worry about having a demon child.”

Like the Devil?

“Not exactly – more a manic, attention defecit kind of child. But only God knows whether that will happen. Are you
a musician?”

No.

“Do you wish you were?”

No.

“I find it the case that music critics often remind me of band teachers who are failed professional performers on their instrument, who live their life judging and criticising and resenting their failures, but at the same time they have to instruct their pupils.”

Would you also say then that you need to have been a music journalist in order to write a song, seeing as it is ‘the same thing’?

“Er… I suppose my logic doesn’t make any sense, does it? If you were trapped in an internet cafe and they were playing bad music, would you rather listen to Soul Coughing, Soulwax, Collective Soul or Soul Asylum?”

Sufjan, I think you’re interviewing me now. Obviously, ‘Runaway Train’ is amazing, so I would plump for Soul Asylum for at least one song.

“PERFECT! Because you see I’ve been going to this internet cafe and that’s all they play. Bands with the word ’soul’ in their names. I don’t know why it is. It’s in this hotel in Bayswater – it’s not even where I’m staying, but I’m using their internet cafe. I might get in trouble. I’m sorry. Well, you’ve been very kind and generous.”

And you have been the perfect guest.

“Thank you for having me.”

Thank you for letting me have you.

“Goodbye!”

Sufjan recently snuck into the National Portrait Gallery in London – without a ticket.

He considers this quite different from blagging into a gig.

He admires British royalty, or at least pictures of British royalty, hence his visit to the National Portrait Gallery.